Personal

Tale of a 20 something year old

Who am I?

No one really. I’m not bringing myself down, just being honest. I will probably never be a CEO or a major speaker at a conference or anything we think of when we imagine “powerful people”, but I’m completely okay with that.

Despite that, I will affect thousands or perhaps millions of people in ways I could never know. Someone asked what drove me recently, and as my drive had screeched to a near halt this past fall, I had to think about it. What was it that made me suffer through those late nights and go in to class every day, even if I was going to be late. People. It’s as simple as that.

Now some many not realize this is a double edged sword, and let me tell you, the other side is very sharp. Let me explain. Now I don’t mean “people” in the social interaction way, but instead of wanting to please, to help, to be of use, to not disappoint, to meet expectations or even rise above them. All of this can be a wonderful motivator and it’s made me a more selfless person.

However, this also is a heavy weight. If I fail at something, I’m not disappointing myself, but what seems to be the entire world. I have little to no ambition for myself since I was always focusing on other people and trying not to inconvenience. This constant need for acceptance and approval caused me to become fluid. In the blink of an eye, I can move from my wonderfully overdramatic theater friends, to outdoorsy pre-vets, to caring future teachers and librarians, to horribly talented artists, and back to my own home of Computer Science.

I let each of them see a different part or aspect of me, whichever would fit best or not rock the waves too much. Well, this fall when I finally had some time to think, I realized I didn’t know who I was when it was just myself, and felt horribly that just being myself wasn’t enough for all the people who had only seen the best parts. The weight of the world was upon me and I honestly had some dark months.

Situation wise, not much has changed, but I feel that I’ve somehow regained a sense of self and am trying to figure out what I want from this life and how to move towards it. It’s a long road I’m sure, but I know that every step I take just for myself is also strengthening me.

Who am I?

I’m just a twenty-something year old trying to be totally honest and find her way in the world.

 Note: This was actually posted here initially and the published timestamp matching that.

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